I hate when it happens . . .

I beggining to calm down. Maybe is cuz yesterday i recognized i was so stressed and depressed. But im sure i shall better the next weeks. I love writing, and i didnt remember how much i like to do it. I dont know when i forgot that, but i think it was in relation with the work i had to do. Now i have a lot of work and things to do, i dont know where to start. My soul is relaxed now (at least for this moment) and my mind clearer than before. I should figure out new ways to calm my self down, just to take a break and breath.

Im afraid about the trip im gonna do the next month. I dont know what scares me more, if the trip or the teacher's reaction when i tell them that i gotta leave the country sooner than i imagined. I dont realy know, i think im gonna know just that day. Im less nervous than yesterday, perhaps because i wrote a so extense letter to someone important. And now i remember that im afraid about it also.

Maybe my english grammar is not awesome, but i do an effort. So time long i dont practice the way i'd like too, i have no chance to do it, so is not easy to remember all the rules and the words. In a manner of speaking, im losing practice. And the worst is that i dont use the phrasal verbs and the idiomatics cuz i dont manage them. Aaaaah i'd like to speak english the way i speak french, even if i understand everything or i can read everything, is hard to me to express my self fluid.

For today, i guess i have no more to say, maybe the next week, when the things changes again. Maybe never, maybe tomorrow (but i dont think so being that im gonna be so tiresome for the school and staff like that).

I hope this teraphy works as i like it will. I dont know what more to write. Maybe my catarsis was so good in order to set in order my mind and recognize fears (now im realizing that i dont remember some words when i try to write or to speak, but when i read). I hope that explosive moment be the last. Im getting used to the lonelyness, it could be a natural process or a stage i must to pass away. I was getting sick, hopeless, stressed up and sad. I wait a lot of things happen, although i dont desearve to get all the benefits and the fruits of them, i want them so much.

I have to work every day on it. I think is a priority now. aaah whatever . . . i ought to learn how to laugh of myself.

Every moment passed away i doubt more of all. I think this person i have benn talking about is gonna betray me, but i consider, anyway, i deserve it. Ah, the lonelyness is back and take me all the time in their arms . . . sometimes shit happens.